Jokes

Contains Adult Humor

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Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else.

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me screw you.'

But the girl said, 'NO'.

Johnny said, 'Ill be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend. So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his pants down.'

So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened?

She wailed, 'The bastard used coins!'

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A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was
flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to
the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My
problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken
to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to
keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo
for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered
into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their
seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San
Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down
the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement
of a big crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100
to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde," but we had money left over---so
now we're going to Sea World.

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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the footpath..

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag...'

'Damn!' says the little old lady ... 'I'd better go back and see if I can find some of them. Thanks for the warning!'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see, my back yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and piss in the bushes, right into my flowers!'

'So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his willie through the bushes, I yell: '$20 or off it comes!''

'Hey, not a bad idea!' laughs the cop. 'Good luck!' By the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well', says the little old lady, 'Not all of them pay.'

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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.

George Phillips of Meridian , Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' He said 'No.' Then they said 'All patrols were busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available.'

George said, 'Okay.' He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.

'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them.' and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' re sidence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'

George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'

(True Story) I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people!

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There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day away talking. One old man asked the other "How is your wife??"

Second old man replied "I think she is Dead!"

First old man "What do you mean you THINK she is dead???"

Second old man "Well.... the sex is the same but the dishes are starting to pile up."

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A Norwegian was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. “I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.”When the Norwegian returned, he shocked the Doctor by having lost nearly 25 POUNDS! “Why, that’s amazing!” the Doctor said, “You followed my instructions?”

The Norwegian nodded and said… “I’ll tell you though, I taut I was gonna drop dead dat 3rd day.”

“From hunger, you mean?”

“No, yust from all dat friggin skippin’ !”

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Three guys stayed at a skiing lodge, but there was only one room with one bed so they shared it.

During the night the guy on the left wakes up saying he had a dream where he got a hand job.

Incredibly the guy on the right says that he also had a dream where he got a hand job.

The guy in the middle says he dreamed he was skiing.

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A man sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
He took a swig then looked in his shirt pocket.
He repeated this several times.

Finally, the bartender couldn't hold back, "why do you keep looking in your shirt pocket?"

"Oh," the man says, "I keep a picture of my wife in there. When she looks like Angelina Jolie, then I go home."

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AN AIR HOSTESS ANYONE?


A man was sitting in the bar at Heathrow Terminal 3 and noticed a really

beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself:

"Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be an air hostess. I wonder which

airline she works for. "



Hoping to pick her up, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta

Airline slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"



She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to

himself:" Well, she obviously doesn't work for Delta."



A moment later, another slogan popped into his head, so he leaned

towards her again and said, "Something special in the air?"



She gave him the same confused look, and he mentally kicked himself,

while scratching Singapore Airlines off the list.



He thought "Perhaps she works for Thai Airways..." and said, "Smooth as

Silk?"



This time the woman turned on him and said, "What the F*** do you want?"



The man smiled, slumped back in his chair, and said - "Ahhhhh, Budget-Air!"

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A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal.
The teacher held up a picture of a cat.
"What animal is this?" she asked.
"A cat!" said Eddie.
"Good job! Now, what is this animal?"
"A dog!" said Eddie.
"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a
Deer. The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,
"It's what your mom calls your dad."
"A horny bastard," called out Eddie.

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On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. 
The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all showered and wearing her 
beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, 
you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and 
he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, 
let me take your picture." Puzzled she asks, "my picture?" He answers, 
"yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever." 
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom 
to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do 
you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and 
she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my, let me get a picture." He beams and asks, "why?" 
She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!" 
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A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 
17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go 
to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to 
him, "So, tell me, how was it?"
"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love 
almost every night, we--"
His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost 
every night?"
"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love 
Tuesday..." 
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One day two kids were wandering around near a stream. One of the boys wandered off near a bush and the other wandered farther down stream. The boy who was wandering down stream started to get lonely, so he went to find his other friend. When he got to the bush were his friend was he saw a naked woman and ran away. The boy that was here for a long time got curios and ran after him and asked, "Why did you run away." 
The other boy said, "My mom said that if I were to ever see a naked woman I would turn to stone. Then I felt something get very hard so I ran."
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A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were 
asked if they would ever sleep with President 
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'
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A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop asked, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women with big tits."
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Why do condom packages always say, "For her pleasure," or "Designed for HER
maximum enjoyment?"  I want a condom made for men that says, "Engineered for
HIS Ultimate Satisfaction," and when you open the wrapper, it's empty.
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